Gas Station Bathroom

I'm a very visual person... so right now I am going to paint you a picture with my words. The following description is my experience in a random, middle-of-nowhere Kansas, gas station:

Two gas pumps. Gas station sign falling off the front of the building. No other cars in sight. So glad that I pay at the pump at this point. I walk into the small building to buy a water and use the bathroom. Inside, there are three men... picture the greasiest, sloppiest, stereotypical rapist type, and those are what these men looked like. I really wish someone was with me. I go to the bathroom, which is unisex. DIRTIEST bathroom I have ever seen. No toilet seat. Suspicious fluids all over the floor. I REALLY have to go... but I almost would rather pee in a bottle. I still choose toilet. Instead of toilet paper, a box of kleenex. While washing my hands, I look over at the wall and notice the condom and lube dispenser. Awesome... I'm in the room of bacteria and STD's. I walk out, go over to get a water and notice they don't even have any water. I ask one of the men at the counter, "Do you have any water?" His response, "They are slow on delivering the bottled water, but we have tap water if you want that." Immediately, I say, "No that's okay, don't worry about it." I didn't want to risk anyone drugging my water. I quickly walk to my car, look up at the building, notice the three men watching me, get in my car, lock my doors, and drive off.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Just Dance! (Thank you Lady Gaga)

I love music. And dancing. And singing. And my car, Leo.

So naturally, with this combination, I thoroughly enjoy dancing and singing loudly in my car to catchy music. I'm not even embarrassed by this.

Well, driving to youth group last night, I was listening to a mix one of my friends made me... it has some super catchy music on it! Obviously, I start singing and dancing like a fool. There I am, on the interstate, rocking out. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a car driving pretty much evenly and at the same speed as me. I look over in the midst of my musical performance and he too is jammin'. I'm talking full on belting out and dancing. YESSSSS. This guy had to be in his late 20's. He glances over and then stopped dancing and singing, like he was super embarrassed to be caught. Well, I know how it feels to be looked at weird for rocking out while driving, so I gave him a big thumbs up and a big smile. He looks back over, sees my thumbs up, and starts laughing and smiles back. What do I do after this? I go back to my own dancing and singing, content with the fact that I relieved him from a sense of embarrassment or judgement. After a few seconds, I look back over at the man, and he is giving me a big thumbs down. He laughs and then drives away...

Umm... Who are you, man? I was trying to be nice by not making you feel like a fool and then you give ME a thumbs down?! Gosh dang it.

KIDS.

Haven't updated in awhile... but here, for your entertainment, are more stories about my elementary students -- things they have said and done. Well, I wish I had other stories to tell you, but I basically have a full time job and nothing better to talk about. Adult life sucks... at least little kids are pretty freaking entertaining.

• Davion, one of my kindergartners (and who is also on the bus I do bus duty for), told my cooperating teacher he was going to marry me. When some of the older kids on the bus told him that I was too old for him, he said, "Well, when I am 25, I am going to date and marry Miss Cavender." Great, so I'll be 41 when that all works out.
• On my birthday, "Miss Cavender! Happy Birthday! How old are you?!" "22." "Oh... I thought you were 17."
• Hugo, a fourth grader who is most likely gay (trust me on this one): "Miss C.... mmm girl, your shirt looks soooooo nice on youuuuuu. I love pink." Please be my best friend, Hugo.
• "Miss Cavender? Um, can um I um I go um to um to the um bathroom?" Little kids are even more inarticulate than I am. What a feat!
• During an oil pastel lesson in the first grade, I turned around after the helpers passed out all the art materials, and I see one little boy with two oil pastels sticking up his nose and two in his mouth like he was impersonating a walrus. Normally, teachers would look at him and say, "Excuse me, you need to take those out of your mouth and nose right now! You know better than that to stick those there!" Good thing I am not normal- What did I do? I walk over to him and say, "You know, the last little boy who did that was sneezing purple for a month and food never tasted the same." His response? Shock and awe and immediate removal of the oil pastel from his dirty little face. I win.
• "Miss Cavender, you should date my brother..." "How old is he?" "15." "... Get back to work."
• I was rushing to help one second grade class finish cleaning up because we were running pretty late. Well, I am super clumsy (who would have thought?!) and I ran into my art cart... and it fell over. Art supplies EVERYWHERE. I'm talking paint, pencils, markers, paper, brushes, everything. The kids response? Laughter. I'm a fool.
• I found a note written about me... helllooooooo referral form. My life is complete.
• Max, a third grader: "Miss Cavender, if I don't go to the bathroom right now, my bladder is going to explode." "You are being dramatic, you need to wait till class is done." "No I'm not, that's how my dad died..." "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!..." "HAHAHA, I can't believe you just fell for that!" "... Are you KIDDING me!? Get out. Go pee." I am kind of impressed my this eight year old's sarcasm... and by how gullible I really am.
• A kindergarten boy dropped an entire sheet of gluey paper on my pant leg... he just looked up at me with the most pathetic look in the world and said... "please don't be mad." Oh my goodness... SO precious. I could never be mad at that.
• I gave out chocolate to some girls who came in during their lunch to help me clean the art room. While eating it, one of the girls just had this disgusted look on her face. I asked what was wrong. "I hate chocolate." Why are you eating it then? "Because you gave it to me..." Okay, kid. First lesson... PEER PRESSURE.

I have so many stories. I am sure a lot of them I have forgotten, but don't worry, I still have one more week in the Elementary schools and then I move to junior high... THOSE will be some GREAT stories.

Cataracts

Story of the day:

So, since I am progressively taking over teaching duties in the classroom, my cooperating teacher thought it would be a good idea for me to start taking over her bus duties too... oh joy. Well, imagine me and my handy-dandy bud duty clipboard, walking through the hallways all bundled up and ready to conquer the mini blizzard outside, hoping that the buses would actually be able to take all these kids home. Well, I went to my assigned bus, and thank goodness, all the kids were there. One by one, I am checking their names off. One of my kindergarten students, Mariella, was sitting at the front of the bus right next to where I was taking attendance. She keeps looking at me all funny, so I look at her and just smile.

This is how the rest of the story/conversation went:

"Are you blind?" - Mariella

"Umm... what? No, I'm your art teacher and I am looking at you right now... I guess I don't understand." - Me

"Well... your eyes..." - Mariella

My guess is that because my eyes are light blue, she thought I had cataracts. She is Hispanic so she most likely has not spent too much personal time with people with light blue eyes...

Part of me wants to say thank you but another part of me is just genuinely confused... I've never been asked that before.

Huh... Welp, there's a first for everything...

Student Teaching Fiascos

Sorry I've been so bad about updating this blog! Student teaching has taken over my life... so I feel like I have very little time just to sit down and write about all my amazingly awkward events that inevitably present themselves in the two elementary schools I am at.

Here are some short stories to fill you in.

1. One of my special ed kids was playing with something in his hands while I was reading a book to their class. After I finished reading, he ran up to me and told me he had something to give me. He held out his hand, and I, mine. When I looked at my palm to see what he had left me, I see a tooth. He apparently just decided to pull it out during the story and was really proud to show it off. Or he thought I was the tooth fairy and he was expecting some money in return for his baby tooth.

2. Kids NONSTOP tell me how young I look or how short I am. How old are you? Really? You look like you're 16. How tall are you? My 14 year old brother is taller than you. Miss Cavender, why are you so short? It's not enough that I have been teased about my height my entire life, now I need to hear it from 6-12 year olds. Excellent.

3. I saw a kid poop on the floor of his classroom. And another one of my students got in trouble for pooping in a urinal. What is it with little boys (and I guess the male gender in general) and being WAY too open and proud of bodily functions and secretions? Stop it.

4. I am the "new teacher" in school... which according to the school staff means that little kids really like me... and little boys think I'm cute. A 6th grade boy stops by to visits me in my office everyday... and he gave me a plastic skull ring and a drawing of me that looked like a transvestite. Sorry, I am not very flattered that a 12 year old has a crush on me. All the teachers call me "Rookie" and make fun of me for being this semester's "new teacher"... Gosh dang.

5. I have written 6 referrals (basically these are bad reports that get sent to the principal and have to go home to get signed by parents if the student is acting out) and have made 2 kids cry. Oops....................... BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6. Kids seriously say some of the funniest things. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

• (While making origami heart bracelets for Valentine's Day. One student, Cole, toward another student, Tiber, while they were working) "Hey Tiber... who's your Valentine?... You're MOM?!" My reaction? Uncontrollable laughter. Their facial expressions were priceless.
• "I have cramps..." - student Eliesha. "Dude, that's cause you're overweight." - student Trayvon "Trayvon, that was both incredibly rude and unnecessary!" - Me "No, it's okay Miss Cavender. I'm fat.... But at least I don't look like a donkey child."
• "WHAT THE F***?!" - Kindergartner Nytrelle
• "Miss Cavender, I think I'm going throw up..." - Derek, a first grade student with austism who fakes an illness EVERY class. "You look just fine to me, Derek."- Me "No, reallllllly, my stomach is going to fall outtttttt. (Screaming) I'M GONNA BARRRRFFFFF!" - Derek "... Derek, why are you shouting?" - Me "My stomach's mad so it's making my voice loud." - Derek
• "You smell like Peanut Butter, Miss Cavender... I likeeeeeee it." - student Aishya

Hopefully, I'll be more dedicated to updating this on a more regular basis.

Beth Lavender | Elmer's Glue and Clay Extrordinnare

If you are unaware of my current educational situation, I am student teaching at two different elementary schools in OPS (Omaha Public Schools). Since my degree will be in Art K-12, I am required to do part of my student teaching in an elementary school... which I NEVER pictured myself doing. I have always been drawn to youth, but to be honest, I am actually really enjoying teaching K-6 right now... Yeah, I'm shocked too.

Well, big surprise (well, not really), there's a lot of awkward baggage that comes with teaching in an elementary schools...

Here are a few of my observations and experiences that I have encountered in just over a week's time:

1. Parents must be CRAZY about weird and unusual names in Omaha. Here are the names of a few of my students and you can make your own conclusions: Understanding, Knowledge, Heavenly, and Desire (these four are siblings... Yeahhhhhh), Starr Knight, Dolly Mols, Alisabethe (pronounced Elizabeth), Cocokenisha (Please picture me trying to pronounce this on the first day...), Jen Jensen, Addu (I thought he was saying Abu for three days), La-Shae Monique Casper Fontaine Benson-Ross (They really should have tried making THIS one longer), and last but not least, Vernon and Vermont... they are twins. Come on, parents. Really? Why are you punishing your children?

2. I am a little behind in the maternal race. The response of one of my second graders when I told them how old I was? "You're as old as my mommy!"

3. Glue does in fact stick to hair. I was teaching in one of the younger special education classrooms today and we were doing a lesson that required the students to glue some paper down. One boy, Eli, LOVES glue... apparently. Well, Eli is also at the cognitive level of a two year old. Do you see where this is going yet? Well, I look over at one point and he is spreading glue all over his hands. I run over, "Eli, silly boy, what did you do? Glue doesn't go on your hands, it goes on the paper." I move his hands and show him how to put the glue on the paper. However, Eli was not so interested in putting glue on his paper... he either thought my hair was pretty or thought my hair was the paper, because he started to pet my head... with his gluey hands. Yeah... good thing that stuff is washable.

4. Don't try to compare your name with something else to make it more memorable. When I introduced myself on the first days of class, I would tell all the students my name was Miss Cavender, but to help them remember it, they should think of the color lavender. I thought it was cute since it's art and we work with color, but whatever. Well, most of the kids are pretty decent at remembering my name, especially since I only see each class once a week. Kindergarten is an exception to this, however. Instead of calling me Miss Cavender, they call me Miss Lavender. Eh... close enough, little ones. Good thing they are cute or else they'd get a beat down... just kidding... but really.

5. NEVER let the kids find out your first name. Somehow, some of the annoying 6th grade girls found out my first name... and started calling me by it. The first time they did it, it was said outloud in the lunchroom and I gave them the death stare and shook my head no. The second time, while they were in the hallway, I took them all aside and told them this: "You cannot call me by my first name. Why you might ask? Because I am not your friend... until March, I am your teacher and you need to treat me with the same respect as you would your other teachers. It's disrespectful... and if you disagree, we can talk to Mrs. Humphrey about it. Any questions?" You should have seen their faces ... they did not have any questions. I will be nice, little hormonal adolescents, but if you give me attitude and are rude, I refuse to deal with it. Prepare.

6. My favorite phrase is: I cannot hear or see anyone who is talking without raising their hands or anyone who is out of their seat. I use this a lot with the little kids who just want attention and think they can talk and get up from their seats to show you their art... which they showed you 30 seconds earlier. Their memory spans sometimes remind me of goldfish... but I love it.

7. I handed out a referral to a boy who threw colored pencils at a girls head and I also saw a cat fight break out in the cafeteria. Bahahahahahahahahahahaha, is that sad I get enjoyment out of events like that? Probably... OH WELL.

8. Gracey, a first grader, looks at me during class and says, "You're really pretty... but you have a blue mark on your face." Dang you, pencil stab scar... thanks for inhibiting my prettiness for 6 and 7 year olds.

9. Since last week was my first week, I introduced myself to every class. These were my basics: My name is Miss Cavender. I'm from Chicago but go to school at Creighton University. I want to be an art teacher. My favorite things in art are to draw and paint people. I love being outside. My favorite color is red. I have a dog named Sammy. I included a few other things in there every once and awhile, but after I introduced myself, I would open up the floor for questions. the 3rd through 6th graders were really good about asking questions... but K through 2nd? They can't differentiate between a question and a comment most of the time... these were some of the "questions" I was asked: "I have 2 dogs", "I like red too", "Where did you get your shirt?", "My dad knows someone who knows Creighton", "Chicago is fun, I've been there". One of my favorite questions though? "Are you married?" No. "Do you have a boyfriend?" No. "Okay, well, if you had to choose between an octopus and a seahorse, which would you choose?" Umm.... Seahorse?

I have a feeling this is going to be a very long, yet very entertaining, semester... thank goodness! :)

Teenage Boys are the Epitome of DISGUSTING.

Walmart. Tuesday January 5th. 2pm. Shopping.

Just got back from break and picking up some groceries.

In the self checkout line.

Two OBNOXIOUS 13 or 14 year old boys in front of me.

What are they buying? Magnum condoms.

Now, unfortunately, I am not doubting that 13 and 14 year olds have sex. But these kids were DISGUSTING. Stereotypical, 13 year old video game nerds who probably shower ever 10 days only after their mother has to barge into their bedrooms wearing gas masks and rubber gloves and force them into the bathroom. Not to mention, they reeked and had more acne on their faces than I have ever seen before.

They were telling stupid jokes and being loud.

I give them the "death stare", hoping they would shut up.

They notice me staring... and what does the little punk with the soiled hoodie say to me? "What?!"

Excuse me, little boy? Huh... what should I say next? Well, I don't know what I should have said, but I DID say, "Yeah... you aren't going to need those (I point to their purchase)."

"Huh?"

"There is no way you are going to need those."

They roll their eyes and walk away.

I feel grand.