Beth Lavender | Elmer's Glue and Clay Extrordinnare

If you are unaware of my current educational situation, I am student teaching at two different elementary schools in OPS (Omaha Public Schools). Since my degree will be in Art K-12, I am required to do part of my student teaching in an elementary school... which I NEVER pictured myself doing. I have always been drawn to youth, but to be honest, I am actually really enjoying teaching K-6 right now... Yeah, I'm shocked too.

Well, big surprise (well, not really), there's a lot of awkward baggage that comes with teaching in an elementary schools...

Here are a few of my observations and experiences that I have encountered in just over a week's time:

1. Parents must be CRAZY about weird and unusual names in Omaha. Here are the names of a few of my students and you can make your own conclusions: Understanding, Knowledge, Heavenly, and Desire (these four are siblings... Yeahhhhhh), Starr Knight, Dolly Mols, Alisabethe (pronounced Elizabeth), Cocokenisha (Please picture me trying to pronounce this on the first day...), Jen Jensen, Addu (I thought he was saying Abu for three days), La-Shae Monique Casper Fontaine Benson-Ross (They really should have tried making THIS one longer), and last but not least, Vernon and Vermont... they are twins. Come on, parents. Really? Why are you punishing your children?

2. I am a little behind in the maternal race. The response of one of my second graders when I told them how old I was? "You're as old as my mommy!"

3. Glue does in fact stick to hair. I was teaching in one of the younger special education classrooms today and we were doing a lesson that required the students to glue some paper down. One boy, Eli, LOVES glue... apparently. Well, Eli is also at the cognitive level of a two year old. Do you see where this is going yet? Well, I look over at one point and he is spreading glue all over his hands. I run over, "Eli, silly boy, what did you do? Glue doesn't go on your hands, it goes on the paper." I move his hands and show him how to put the glue on the paper. However, Eli was not so interested in putting glue on his paper... he either thought my hair was pretty or thought my hair was the paper, because he started to pet my head... with his gluey hands. Yeah... good thing that stuff is washable.

4. Don't try to compare your name with something else to make it more memorable. When I introduced myself on the first days of class, I would tell all the students my name was Miss Cavender, but to help them remember it, they should think of the color lavender. I thought it was cute since it's art and we work with color, but whatever. Well, most of the kids are pretty decent at remembering my name, especially since I only see each class once a week. Kindergarten is an exception to this, however. Instead of calling me Miss Cavender, they call me Miss Lavender. Eh... close enough, little ones. Good thing they are cute or else they'd get a beat down... just kidding... but really.

5. NEVER let the kids find out your first name. Somehow, some of the annoying 6th grade girls found out my first name... and started calling me by it. The first time they did it, it was said outloud in the lunchroom and I gave them the death stare and shook my head no. The second time, while they were in the hallway, I took them all aside and told them this: "You cannot call me by my first name. Why you might ask? Because I am not your friend... until March, I am your teacher and you need to treat me with the same respect as you would your other teachers. It's disrespectful... and if you disagree, we can talk to Mrs. Humphrey about it. Any questions?" You should have seen their faces ... they did not have any questions. I will be nice, little hormonal adolescents, but if you give me attitude and are rude, I refuse to deal with it. Prepare.

6. My favorite phrase is: I cannot hear or see anyone who is talking without raising their hands or anyone who is out of their seat. I use this a lot with the little kids who just want attention and think they can talk and get up from their seats to show you their art... which they showed you 30 seconds earlier. Their memory spans sometimes remind me of goldfish... but I love it.

7. I handed out a referral to a boy who threw colored pencils at a girls head and I also saw a cat fight break out in the cafeteria. Bahahahahahahahahahahaha, is that sad I get enjoyment out of events like that? Probably... OH WELL.

8. Gracey, a first grader, looks at me during class and says, "You're really pretty... but you have a blue mark on your face." Dang you, pencil stab scar... thanks for inhibiting my prettiness for 6 and 7 year olds.

9. Since last week was my first week, I introduced myself to every class. These were my basics: My name is Miss Cavender. I'm from Chicago but go to school at Creighton University. I want to be an art teacher. My favorite things in art are to draw and paint people. I love being outside. My favorite color is red. I have a dog named Sammy. I included a few other things in there every once and awhile, but after I introduced myself, I would open up the floor for questions. the 3rd through 6th graders were really good about asking questions... but K through 2nd? They can't differentiate between a question and a comment most of the time... these were some of the "questions" I was asked: "I have 2 dogs", "I like red too", "Where did you get your shirt?", "My dad knows someone who knows Creighton", "Chicago is fun, I've been there". One of my favorite questions though? "Are you married?" No. "Do you have a boyfriend?" No. "Okay, well, if you had to choose between an octopus and a seahorse, which would you choose?" Umm.... Seahorse?

I have a feeling this is going to be a very long, yet very entertaining, semester... thank goodness! :)

Teenage Boys are the Epitome of DISGUSTING.

Walmart. Tuesday January 5th. 2pm. Shopping.

Just got back from break and picking up some groceries.

In the self checkout line.

Two OBNOXIOUS 13 or 14 year old boys in front of me.

What are they buying? Magnum condoms.

Now, unfortunately, I am not doubting that 13 and 14 year olds have sex. But these kids were DISGUSTING. Stereotypical, 13 year old video game nerds who probably shower ever 10 days only after their mother has to barge into their bedrooms wearing gas masks and rubber gloves and force them into the bathroom. Not to mention, they reeked and had more acne on their faces than I have ever seen before.

They were telling stupid jokes and being loud.

I give them the "death stare", hoping they would shut up.

They notice me staring... and what does the little punk with the soiled hoodie say to me? "What?!"

Excuse me, little boy? Huh... what should I say next? Well, I don't know what I should have said, but I DID say, "Yeah... you aren't going to need those (I point to their purchase)."

"Huh?"

"There is no way you are going to need those."

They roll their eyes and walk away.

I feel grand.

Ski School

I am currently in Steamboat, Colorado skiing with my family.

You could say that I don't always have the best luck with ski trips. When I was in seventh grade, I broke my wrist in three different places while sledding... three days BEFORE our Christmas ski trip. Result? A week of staying in our condo watching moral court tv with my Grandma while everyone else enjoyed the beautiful mountains. Three years ago, we went to our house in Palisade, Colorado (Western side of the mountains). I decided to snowboard... andddd that wasn't so good. Feeling confident, I decided to go down the mountain with the rest of my family... Roughest run of my life. Exhausted and frustrated, I caught an edge wrong and slipped backwards, slamming my head on ice. Result? A concussion and two sick days. Senior year on a youth group ski trip to Devil's Head, WI, I wasn't paying attention while on a lift. Result? Everyone else getting off just fine and me falling off, face first into the snow right in front of the lift. I was only "slightly" embarrassed when the lift operator had to stop the entire lift to help me up. There have also been numerous minor injuries and dozens of bruises. But, I am sure that none of this surprises you...

Well, I hope I am not speaking too quickly, but this ski trip has been relatively good for me! After not having skied for a few years, I would say I'm doing quite well. I have had a couple of good falls, but nothing too serious. Overall, I am just sore, but that's common. And maybe my new helmet helps out just a little bit.

Even though no serious injuries have developed (yet...), awkwardness still followed me to Colorado.

Yesterday, I went skiing with my sisters and their husbands while my dad stayed behind to take a day off. We were on our third run or so when every pulled to the side of the run to rest for a second. I, however, missed the memo that we were all going to stop, and being on the other side of the run, I didn't have time to cross over to stop with them. I kept skiing down and stopped in front of one of those "SLOW" banners. Well, the blue run we were on collided with a green run... so naturally, there were people of various of ski abilities that ended up on the same mountain at some point. When I stopped by that sign, I noticed a little girl, probably about six years old, next to me. One by one, other six year olds started flying down the green run and stopped right next to the little girl. After about two minutes, I looked behind me, and there were eight or nine five-six year olds surrounding me. They were either friends or in the same ski school is what it looked like... but I didn't see any instructor. I look up the mountain to where my sisters and brother-in-laws were and they were sitting there, staring at me, and laughing hysterically.

I apparently either 1) Looked like the mother of the flock of little children, 2) Looked like the ski instructor, or 3) Looked like one of them.

I looked around me again and all the little kids were staring at me. I didn't really know what to say so I just asked them how their day was and if they were having fun. Luckily, I didn't stay too much longer by that sign and with all the kids. But, my family did laugh at me for the remainder of the day.

Just picture that sight in your mind... Me. Surrounded by a herd of little ski children. Hanging out together at the bottom of the ski run. Nice.

Next time, I'll try to be a little more aware of when my group is stopping so I don't have to look like a child, a mother, a ski instructor, or just an adult who is so bad at skiing I had to be in a class with five and six year olds.

A Great Sister

This one is short... but enjoyable nonetheless.

Friday night after work, I went to my good friend James' going away party. Naturally, it was Christmas themed, so I busted out my sweater/80's dressy top (sequined Holly flowers/leaves EVERYWHERE). I knew I couldn't stay long because I had to get up super early the next morning because I was driving home. I stayed for about an hour, had a good time, left, and got into my car. I looked at my phone and realized I had missed a call from my sister Jackie. It was kind of late, so I decided not to call her back.

The next day, as I was driving home, I get a call from Jackie. SHOOT, I forgot to call her back, even after I listened to the voicemail she left me. I answered, "Hi sister... I saw you called, sorry I didn't call you back last night!"

Her response? "Wow, you're alive! Why didn't you call me back? Were you out drinking and acting like a ho?"

......... Thanks, Jackie. Obviously, we have a really great relationship :)

WHAT?!

It's been almost a MONTH?! WHAT?! I know, I know, sorry for keeping y'all out of the 'awkward' loop... since I know you're all dying to know what situations have come up...

Well, here is a brief look into the various awkward situations that have conveniently found me over the past month:

1. I was peed on. YEP. The littlest girl I nanny got mad at me one day for not making crappy little cupcakes on her poser easy bake oven. When she gets bossy or whiney, I have this routine of making a tally count on the white board in the kitchen, and when she hits 3, she gets a time out. She got to 3, and since she hates when I put her in timeout, she thought peeing when I was carrying her to her room would be a better idea. I made her clean it up.

2. I was begged by my mom, for the fifth time, to go out on a date with an old "friend"... if you know the details of certain events or the individual himself, you would think it was awkward too. Plus, old flings should just be no-go's.

3. I got marriage counseling from the kids I nanny. They asked if I was married. I said no, naturally, and they told me I better hurry up or no guy would like me because I was getting too old... then the oldest, Joslyn, told me that if I waited too long to have kids, they would come out looking like monkeys... what are they teaching in public schools these days!?

4. I sat in Burnt sienna oil paint one day in the art studio. Luckily, I had a second pair of jeans in my car, so I left to go out to get them. Walking down the hallway, I run into three of my art professors and chat with them a little bit. I go, get my pants, and take them to go change. I run into one of the professors again, her being my advisor, and she stops me. "Beth, if you needed a tampon, you could have asked me..." So, apparently, her and the other professors thought I had my period and was leaking. Blushing like CRAZY, I had to awkwardly explain to her that the suspected menstrual blood was, in fact, burnt sienna paint. Why I get into these types of situations in the art room, I don't know.

5. At work, I helped a 70-something year old couple find lingerie. Okay, now, here's the thing. If I'm married, and both my husband and I are still living, YEAH I hope we are still having sex, DUH. But it's a completely different situation when you are trying to find intimate apparel for others... Old people PDA...

6. Yesterday, after a huge ice storm and lots of freezing rain mixed with all the snow from last week's snow storm, I fell. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. 8 times to be exact. That's got to be a record. None of the falls were bad... but I did run into like 5 cars trying to catch myself. Creighton University's campus was a day-long ice skating rink...

Well, those are a few updates from the past month! Hopefully I will be better about updating them more regularly :)

Have an amazingly awkward day!

The Naked Cowboy and Brokeback Mountain

Being an art major, I LOVE art classes. My favorite class? Life Drawing. If you aren't sure what this is, it's when you draw naked people. Live, naked models... yep... naked... so mature. And no, I don't like it just 'cause their naked. I just think the human body is incredible. And I love drawing. So there.

Well, I'm in my third semester of life drawing. We currently have three models: one female and two males. They alternate days when they model, but one of the male models has been modeling for this class for about 6 years. Because I have been drawing him for awhile, I have gotten to know him. Not in an awkward way, but he's just a really good guy... Okay... ANYWAYS, this semester, a different professor, Amy Nelson, is teaching the course compared to John Thein, who normally teaches it. She is more liberal than the John in just everything she does. Her drawing approaches, her techniques, her advice, and just the way she has us artistically interact with the models. John is more formal and traditional with how he says we should draw the models, but Amy wants us to more creatively approach the models and the ways in which we represent them.

So, on Tuesday in Life Drawing, I show up, get my charcoal, drawing board, and paper all set up, and in comes the model (the one I know the best and have been drawing for awhile). Nothing is different, he's just wearing his robe, but I see he's carrying a bag. I remember that Amy said that he could bring in props for the next class to use during poses. Well, I couldn't tell what he had with him, but I didn't really think much else of it. I made my coffee, walked back to my easel, and was ready to draw. When I looked up to begin drawing the model, that's when I saw them. His props. What were they? A cowboy hat and cowboy boots. Yes... you read that correctly. There the model was... completely naked except for wearing the hat and the boots...

I seriously didn't know how to react. So, naturally, I started laughing hysterically. At the beginning of the class on the very first day, all the students get a huge lecture from the professor about being professional and respectful of the models. Me laughing? Not that respectful and professional. But really? A male model (who also happens to gay) wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and cowboy boots? How professional is THAT? Well, after receiving a few responsive glares from the beginning students as a result of my outburst, the model looked at me and just starts laughing too.

It was all just absurd. Luckily I didn't make a complete jerk out of myself, but that drawing session gave an awkward new meaning to Brokeback Mountain.

Chlamydia

::ATTENTION ALL CREIGHTON STUDENTS::

If you choose to go to Reinhart-Alumni Library to study, do homework, or socialize, beware of who you sit next to. You never know when you will sit next to a fellow student googling Chlamydia. Whether it's for academic or personal use, I do NOT want to know.