The Naked Cowboy and Brokeback Mountain

Being an art major, I LOVE art classes. My favorite class? Life Drawing. If you aren't sure what this is, it's when you draw naked people. Live, naked models... yep... naked... so mature. And no, I don't like it just 'cause their naked. I just think the human body is incredible. And I love drawing. So there.

Well, I'm in my third semester of life drawing. We currently have three models: one female and two males. They alternate days when they model, but one of the male models has been modeling for this class for about 6 years. Because I have been drawing him for awhile, I have gotten to know him. Not in an awkward way, but he's just a really good guy... Okay... ANYWAYS, this semester, a different professor, Amy Nelson, is teaching the course compared to John Thein, who normally teaches it. She is more liberal than the John in just everything she does. Her drawing approaches, her techniques, her advice, and just the way she has us artistically interact with the models. John is more formal and traditional with how he says we should draw the models, but Amy wants us to more creatively approach the models and the ways in which we represent them.

So, on Tuesday in Life Drawing, I show up, get my charcoal, drawing board, and paper all set up, and in comes the model (the one I know the best and have been drawing for awhile). Nothing is different, he's just wearing his robe, but I see he's carrying a bag. I remember that Amy said that he could bring in props for the next class to use during poses. Well, I couldn't tell what he had with him, but I didn't really think much else of it. I made my coffee, walked back to my easel, and was ready to draw. When I looked up to begin drawing the model, that's when I saw them. His props. What were they? A cowboy hat and cowboy boots. Yes... you read that correctly. There the model was... completely naked except for wearing the hat and the boots...

I seriously didn't know how to react. So, naturally, I started laughing hysterically. At the beginning of the class on the very first day, all the students get a huge lecture from the professor about being professional and respectful of the models. Me laughing? Not that respectful and professional. But really? A male model (who also happens to gay) wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and cowboy boots? How professional is THAT? Well, after receiving a few responsive glares from the beginning students as a result of my outburst, the model looked at me and just starts laughing too.

It was all just absurd. Luckily I didn't make a complete jerk out of myself, but that drawing session gave an awkward new meaning to Brokeback Mountain.

Chlamydia

::ATTENTION ALL CREIGHTON STUDENTS::

If you choose to go to Reinhart-Alumni Library to study, do homework, or socialize, beware of who you sit next to. You never know when you will sit next to a fellow student googling Chlamydia. Whether it's for academic or personal use, I do NOT want to know.

Retail Nightmares and Mystery People

I have been working retail for the past four years of my life. It’s definitely a love-hate relationship. I hate the low pay and crappy hours, but I love working with people. I love just talking with random customers and getting to know my co-workers. AND Retail, I must say, is one of the best jobs to have if you enjoy people watching… which is perfect, because I LOVE people watching. I have seen some pretty hilarious things and met some really odd people… and, to no surprise, I have encountered numerous awkward situations. Here are some of my favorite (and most awkward) retail moments:

1. Working at Francesca’s Collections the summer after my senior year of high school in Highland Park, IL. If you don’t know much about Highland Park, I will just tell you now that most of the people who live there are Jewish. Rich Jewish people. Well, I am not Jewish and it never occurred to me that this factor would ever be an important factor with my job. One particularly busy day, I was helping out numerous customers at once, and one of them was looking for a Bat Mitzvah gift for her daughter’s friend. I was scrambling around gathering different necklaces and she looks at me and says, “Well, what did you get for your Bat Mitzvah?” Hmmm… “Oh, I never had a Bat Mitzvah.” A look of utter confusion passed over her face. “What? You never had a Bat Mitzvah?” “Oh, no, I didn’t, I’m not Jewish.” “You’re not Jewish...? Then… why do you work at Francesca’s?” I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was some rule that I had to be Jewish to work in a town that just happens to be inhabited by mostly Jewish people. I didn’t know what to say because I was utterly confused by her question. Then she asked who was Jewish in the store so they could help her find the perfect gift… hmmm. Bat Mitzvah fail.

2. Francesca's Collections: Summer 2007... a 12 year old kid asked for my number. fml.

3. Working at Forever 21: Summer 2008. Probably the most ghetto job ever and one of the most ghetto Forever 21 stores ever, but the stories are pretty awesome. One guy I worked with, Fabian, probably has 4 kids and he is my age. One of his baby mamas was actually my co-head cashier so her and I got pretty close after a while. Well, one day at work, I walk in, go right to the back room to lock up my stuff, and Fabian walks in. No joke, this kid hits on EVERYBODY that first starts out there. He sits at the table right next to the lockers and just looks at me. This next conversation isn't precisely word-for-word, but pretty close for how I remember it. What's goin' on, girl? Oh nothing really, just preparing for a long day. I really don't wanna be here. Yeah, it's been slow... so, what are you doin' later tonight? Well, I work till close so I won't be out of here till 11:30 or so. Yeah, girl, I hear ya, but what 'bout after that? Just going home. How 'bout coming to my house? Why? Are people going over? Nah, girl, just thought it could be you and me. You know... getting to know each other. Sorry, no, I can't. You aren't going to get rid of me this easy... and he walks out. Sorry Fabian, I didn't want to hang out. And I'm not ready to be a mom. And you're sketchy. So no. Never. Ever.

4. Forever 21: Summer 2008. Fabian... again... but this time, he wasn't hitting on me. He was working in the back of the store doing some maintenance stuff. I am at the registers at the front of the store and I see this little hispanic girl walk in just looking like she wants to kill someone. She looks around frantically and then comes up to me and asks where Fabian is. I point her to the back and she walks super fast in that direction. The store wasn't too busy and there was already someone else on the register so I decided to step away to see what is going on. When I follow the girl back to Fabian, she is screaming at him. All I hear is a lot of cuss words and Baby Mama, cheatin', and Baby Daddy. She starts hitting him and he's calling her a crazy B. It was seriously like watching a car wreck. I couldn't get my eyes off of this specular. It was a real fight and I hadn't seen one in SO long. I forget something that she said while they were fighting, but I thought it was hilarious. Well, I think the fact that I laughed out loud pissed her off, 'cause she turned around and looked at me and asked if I had a problem. At this point, I just don't want her to knife me. Luckily, the managers and security got her out right after she said that to me. I almost saw my life flash before my eyes... no, but seriously, if she took a swing at me, I totally would have fought back.

5. Forever 21: Summer 2008 (yeah there are a LOT). So, Forever 21 has a small lingerie department... it's tacky, and gross, and cheap. But, for some reason, it was all pretty popular among the shoppers. Well, guys don't really go into the store very often... unless they are either 1) with their wives/girlfriends or 2) looking for a gift for their wives/girlfriends. I love helping out male customers 'cause they seriously never have any clue what to get their significant others. Well, one day, I saw a 20-something year old guy wandering around the lingerie department looking lost and confused. As much as I would rather help customers find... well, actual CLOTHING, I knew that I should help him. I asked him if he needed any help and he went on this whole schpeel about how it's his and his girlfriend's 2 year anniversary and he wants to find her a "special" gift. Awkward. Well, I am trying to help him find some things and throughout the entire ordeal, he continues to ask me personal questions, like which things I like the best, my size, what I would want to get from my boyfriend, ect, ect... hmmm... 20 minutes of this and we eventually find something that he thinks will work. He asks me to hold it up to me so he can look at it "better". I continue to hold it out and he tells me that she is about the same size as I am so he just wants to make sure it looks okay. Yuck.

6. Working at Nouvelle Eve: Summer 2009. This is a high-end women's boutique I currently work at. Well, Saturday mornings in the summer downtown are always really busy because of the Farmer's market and how popular our store actually is. The store itself has a lot of "stuff" in it. A lot of merchandise, clothing racks, shelves, and display cases. Sometimes, it is seriously like a maze just maneuvering in and out of the plethora of clothing articles. I always bump into corners and clothing racks. One one busy Saturday, I was busy helping a couple of different customers. In a rush to get a few items from the back, I turned from the register pretty fast, walked quickly to the side, and ran STRAIGHT into the glass door of one of our Jewelry cases that was left open. Seriously, I ran directly into it. I didn't even know it was there. The entire store turns and starts laughing. I turn bright red and of course giggle awkwardly and start making fun of myself to lighten my embarrassment. But then, I turn to the side and I see people staring at me. See, right next door to Nouvelle Eve is M's, a pub/restaurant. There is a window in between our store and their restaurant so you can see right through... well, that window was right next to the jewelry case I had just ran into and people in M's who were trying to enjoy their lunch got entertainment as well. Thank to me and my clumsiness. Those observers/diners started laughing. I am glad I was not only able to make a fool out of myself in front of my customers and co-workers, but also to complete strangers just trying to enjoy a lunch at M's. I'm just happy I didn't completely knock down the jewelry case and break it.

7. Nouvelle Eve: this past Friday night. So, there is a Creighton student that looks almost exactly like my friend Alex except that he has a little lighter hair. I see him randomly around campus and I always try to take a picture, but he is normally either walking in front of me or he's too far away. Well, this past Friday night, I was working and Alex's Creighton twin walks in with his girlfriend. YES I thought. I text Alex to tell him and he tells me I should take a picture. BRILLIANT. Finally, I'll be able to prove this kid exists. Well, while another sales associate was helping his girlfriend find a sweater, I decide to try and take a picture nonchalantly. Well, he was in the PERFECT position, so I pull out my phone and try to be secretive. Well, as soon as I am about to press the 'capture' button, he turns and see me with my phone. I, automatically am flustered and blushing like crazy. But also, I have awful reflexes, so instead of just putting away my phone, I accidentally proceed to press 'capture' WHILE pulling down and hiding my phone. But, instead of my phone quietly taking a blurry picture of nothing, the sound was on and a giant *click* filled the room. He totally just saw me try to take a picture of him... and the camera sound just proved it. I awkwardly, pretend to look things up on the computer after this happens. The rest of the time this kid and his gf were there, he was as far away from me as possible... and his girlfriend bought an AWFUL sweater. Ugh, awkward. I hope I never see him on campus ever again.

These are only a few examples from my retail escapades... I am sure there will be more... With me, it's unavoidable.

Hola... Yeah, I don't speak Spanish...

I am currently finishing up some observation hours at Marrs Magnet School in South Omaha. South O is primarily inhabited by Hispanic populations, so therefore, most South O schools have a lot of kids in them that speak Spanish as their first language.

I don't speak spanish. At all. Okay, I might know like 10 words, but that's seriously it. Probably the worst life decision ever to take French for 8 years of my life. I really like being at Marrs Magnet. I really have liked the kids overall and my cooperating teacher is pretty good. Well, when I went into the school and classroom this morning, I walked in on a class of kids I had never seen before. Doing observation hours is always a little awkward because not all the kids get to see you and know you, and also, you don't really have much say in the classroom. Well, I walk in and get stares from 25 6th grade strangers... Oh... Hello.

The entire morning, I am walking around and helping kids with their current drawing projects. There are three boys in particular that are especially chatty. I try to give them the stare down, but that didn't work. Every time I glance up, they are looking at me and talking to one another. After about 5 or 10 minutes of this going on, I finally walk over to them and ask them to stop talking. Of course they are not going to listen to me, they have never seen me before. They start talking in Spanish and laughing and giggling at me.

I am annoyed at this point. Okay boys, this is the deal, you are 11. When you talk, you still sound like you are 5 year old girls. You are about to experience zits and rejections from girls who REALLY don't want to date you. You are still in that awkward, post-child, chubby phase. Why are you laughing at me? I should be laughing at you.

I walk over to tell them a second time to get to work and stop talking. Their response? "Do you speak Spanish?" I said no... and immediately after I said that, I dreaded my response. I should have lied. I should have told them I was fluent. They grinned and started speaking openly in Spanish. Occasionally, students from around the class would turn around and laugh at their comments. I had NO idea what they were saying. I have never felt so taken advantage of for not speaking Spanish. All I know is I feel completely self-conscious at the fact all the kids were all laughing at those 3 boys' remarks...

I tried remembering some keys words that they said, but when I typed them into Google Translator, they weren't there... I probably spelled them completely wrong. Dang my life. I need to learn Spanish.

No Shave November

I am a participant in No Shave November. And my legs are lookin' mighty good if I do say so myself. Not shaving really grosses me out, so this is really difficult for me, but I am doing really well so far... only 20 days left... ugh...

It's a really good thing that I pretty much always wear jeans so no one can actually see my legs. However, when I work out, I HATE wearing pants. I always have to wear running shorts.

So yesterday, I went to the gym right after class like I do every Monday. I changed, walked over to the stretching mats, and turned on my iPod. Stretching and totally in my own world, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy sitting near me just looking at me. I look over and he is glancing at my legs every once and awhile. Of course, I know he is examining the hairiness and probably thinking about how gross I am. I turn bright red and try my best to ignore him and not get too self-conscious. I stood up to finish stretching after a few minutes and I can't help but see him looking at me again. I look over, and he says to me with a completely straight face, "No Shave November?" I am HORRIFIED. Again, I turned bright red and awkwardly respond with a flustered giggle, "Uh, yeah..." I ended my stretching session a little early just to get away from this kid. The entire time I was running, I would look around and see him and just want to hide in a corner.

I am amazed that he actually had the guts to ask me about my legs.

Free Food. ROCK ON.

I am not the type of girl that normally takes advantage of... well... being a girl. But, sometimes, it definitely pays off.

For example: On Halloween, I went to Chipotle. Well, from 6-9, if you wear tin foil, Chipotle will give you a free burrito. I, however, had to be someplace during that time frame. I REALLY wanted a free burrito though, so I went to Chipotle to try out my negotiation skills. I went up to the counter and there was this nervous looking high school boy waiting for me to order. This is what I said, "Okay, so I need to know something. I know that from 6-9, you guys give free burritos. Well, I need to be someplace at 5:30 and won't be able to make it during that designated time. But, I did have full intentions on going... and dressing up... so, I was wondering, do you think I could have a free burrito?" I of course innocently batted my eyes and smiled, trying to sucker my way in. He looked at me and said, "Are you serious?".... Ummm, yes, very. His response, to my surprise, "Ummm, okay fine." AWESOME.

Now, I normally don't lead on random people, but, if it results in a free meal, I occasionally go against my normal instincts and kick up the "flirt" level. Shallow? I wouldn't use THAT word. I would say... Clever.

Well, I was at Noodles & Company getting food before I was supposed to nanny last week, and without the intention of getting free food, I ordered. I was completely normal. So, I ordered my meal to go, paid, and sat down at the counter. I was texting and when I looked up, there was a guy just standing there staring at me. He said, Oh, I KNOW you wanna text me, girl... No need though, I'm right here... **insert cheesy smile**... (And what do I say? Nothing. I just awkwardly laugh and ignore him. He seemed alarmed by the fact I didn't really care, and so he went over behind the counter, pulled out a large fountain drink cup and put it in front of me.) Here's a large drink if you take the rest of my shift for me. Hahaha, sorry but I can't. I have to go nanny. Hell girl, I will nanny for you if you just do me this one favor. You wanna nanny 6 kids? 6? Oh, gross no, never mind. Yeah, I didn't think you would. Oh, don't get me wrong. I LOVE kids. They love me too. I can't wait to be a dad. .... uh, Okay. But seriously, go get a drink for yourself, sweetheart. Oh, seriously? Ummm... thanks. I feel like I've seen you around... do you go out dancing a lot? Umm... no. Well, you should. I can definitely see you out there. (OKAY. AT THIS POINT I JUST WANT TO DIE.) Thanks... well, thanks for the drink. (I grabbed my food and got out of there as soon as I could)

I regret taking that free drink. Why is it that I attract creepers? 'Tis my life, apparently.

It's a Date!

Here’s the deal. My awkwardness is leaking onto my friends.

In this next post, I am going to use pseudonyms to protect the dignity and sanity of the individuals featured in these events.

This following event is both 100% true and 1000% awkward.

So, I have this friend named “Tom”. Tom is a youth pastor and is always looking for new people that want to help out with the youth group on a regular basis. This summer, there was a girl named “Darla”. Darla came to youth group a couple times to help out. Her and I talked, and despite her quiet, shy nature (two things of which I am NOT), she seemed really nice and very normal. Both Tom and I were surprised when she stopped coming to help out after those two weeks. After trying to contact her and see what she was up to, there was no luck of reciprocating contact on Darla’s side so Tom and I kind of just let it go.

Well, about a week and a half to two weeks ago, Darla talked to Tom. Darla asked if her and Tom could “hang out”. A little confused, Tom called me, questioning Darla’s motive for “hanging out”… was this going to be a meeting about youth group stuff or was she looking for a date? Well, after talking to him a little and discussing the details of the conversation/situation, we both found the verdict to be: A DATE. Uninterested and confused, Tom was determined to go to this “meeting” with the intention of ONLY talking about youth group and having Darla come back to help out. I, of course, found this entire situation to be hilarious so naturally, I teased him about it everyday up until their date… oh, ummm, I mean “meeting”.

[[fast forward a few days…]] It was the day. The day of Tom and Darla’s meeting. Tom told me he would tell me about it once he was done. I get a call later in the afternoon and I saw it was Tom. When I answered, all I heard on the other side was, “MOST AWKWARD MEETING EVER!” Laughing hysterically, I tried my best to at least compose myself for a little bit in order to listen to what actually happened. Tom told me how when they arrived at the coffee shop and were walking to the door, she basically pretended to ignore him until the very last moment when she gave an awkward, “Oh hey!” In the coffee shop, she waited to order to see if he would buy her drink, which he didn’t. She ordered, and while her drink was being made, she didn’t once turn around to talk to him. For a few minutes, she just stood there… waiting… and Tom? Well, Tom was already feeling awkward and didn’t want to be there so this was probably one of the most awkward moments 3 minutes he had in a really long time. Once they both got their drinks and sat down, she didn’t ask him one question. Tom would ask something and she would give the most vague and briefest answers possible. This went on for awhile and Tom was feeling the pressure. Finally trying to get to the sole purpose of their meeting, Tom asks, “So… You still want to help out with youth group?” “Oh, yeah sure!”, she answers. Obviously, by the tone of her answer, youth group talk was NOT why she wanted to go to coffee with Mr. Tom. Desperate to get out of the situation, Tom did something he hadn’t done in a really long time. He lied and told her he needed to get to another meeting for work. After Tom told me this story, I was still laughing and in disbelief by the sheer awkwardness of that entire meeting and her obvious lack of social skills, especially with males. (If you know who Tom really is, you should ask him for the details… he tells it way better than I did.)

Well, over the next week, I still randomly gave him a hard time about his meeting with Darla and how she just wanted to date him… just to be a little obnoxious. I was thinking the whole thing was over and done and it was just a funny moment that made a good story.

I was wrong. Yesterday, I was on facebook before my class, and I get an IM… from Darla. Now, don’t get me wrong, Darla is super nice, but there is no doubt she’s socially awkward. She writes to me, “Hey”. “Hey”, I reply. I was expecting her to say something like How are you? Or What’s up? But no. It was only a second into the conversation and I already felt uncomfortable. I think this broke the record. So I asked her what she was up to. She just says, “Oh, nothing really.” Awesome… nothing else said after that… another awkward silence… and who knew moments of IM could be awkward… Well, after forcing small talk for a little bit, she asks, “So, do you hang out with people from youth group a lot?” Umm… well, yeah, they are some of my closest friends. After this, there was another long silence from Darla. Then, the greatest question of them all was suddenly asked, “Are you and Tom close?” What!? Pardon?! Excuse me?! Why in the world would you ask me that? Where did this question come from? We don’t even really know each other. Are you always this awkward? Yeah, I mean he is a really good friend of mine. I didn’t say anything else. I was both shocked by her bluntness, her obvious lack of understanding personal boundaries, and her clear interest in Tom. I started laughing to myself, and I knew I had to tell him. I told Tom I had to talk to him about an encounter with Darla, and he called me. I gave him the awkward play-by-play and he was speechless. It was an incredible moment. We were both just blown away by the entire situation and how desperate she seemed to get close to Tom but clearly lacked the social skills needed in order to even hold up a decent conversation with a male… but I guess it made him feel a little bit better to know that she couldn’t even hold up an IM conversation with me.

Joking about it for awhile, we started to come up with a possible Tom and Darla scenario that would occur if we wanted to make a movie or something:

I should have told Darla that Tom and I were an item. Upset and distraught that she was put second to me and determined to have Tom all to herself, Darla starts stalking me… following me around school and outside my apartment. Upset that Tom wasn’t giving her the time of day, she kidnaps me when I was walking out to my car to go to campus. She knocks me out, shoves me in the truck of her car, and then drags me to her basement where she locks me up. So, I am locked in the basement while crazy Darla is out trying to woo Tom. Tom, still uninterested, rejects Darla despite my absence. Darla, still upset, tries drugging Tom’s Gatorade at youth group. Tom luckily doesn’t fall for her tricks and doesn’t drink anymore. Darla gets super upset and starts planning how she is going to kill me so that she could then take my place and have Tom all for herself. Tom finds the blueprints of Darla’s nutty plans and decides to rescue me before Darla could kill me. While out buying rat poison, duct tape, a nail gun, and bleach, Tom makes his way to Darla’s basement, rescues me, and we escape.

We haven’t solidified an ending yet, but knowing Darla, it will be a good one.

I’m sorry if this all seems mean and excessive… I just wish you could experience someone SIGNIFICANTLY more awkward than me… then you might understand. At least she is nice… for the time being… before she locks me up in her basement.

Oh, and Tom and I will let you know when we release our movie screenplay so we can get some good feedback.