It's a Date!

Here’s the deal. My awkwardness is leaking onto my friends.

In this next post, I am going to use pseudonyms to protect the dignity and sanity of the individuals featured in these events.

This following event is both 100% true and 1000% awkward.

So, I have this friend named “Tom”. Tom is a youth pastor and is always looking for new people that want to help out with the youth group on a regular basis. This summer, there was a girl named “Darla”. Darla came to youth group a couple times to help out. Her and I talked, and despite her quiet, shy nature (two things of which I am NOT), she seemed really nice and very normal. Both Tom and I were surprised when she stopped coming to help out after those two weeks. After trying to contact her and see what she was up to, there was no luck of reciprocating contact on Darla’s side so Tom and I kind of just let it go.

Well, about a week and a half to two weeks ago, Darla talked to Tom. Darla asked if her and Tom could “hang out”. A little confused, Tom called me, questioning Darla’s motive for “hanging out”… was this going to be a meeting about youth group stuff or was she looking for a date? Well, after talking to him a little and discussing the details of the conversation/situation, we both found the verdict to be: A DATE. Uninterested and confused, Tom was determined to go to this “meeting” with the intention of ONLY talking about youth group and having Darla come back to help out. I, of course, found this entire situation to be hilarious so naturally, I teased him about it everyday up until their date… oh, ummm, I mean “meeting”.

[[fast forward a few days…]] It was the day. The day of Tom and Darla’s meeting. Tom told me he would tell me about it once he was done. I get a call later in the afternoon and I saw it was Tom. When I answered, all I heard on the other side was, “MOST AWKWARD MEETING EVER!” Laughing hysterically, I tried my best to at least compose myself for a little bit in order to listen to what actually happened. Tom told me how when they arrived at the coffee shop and were walking to the door, she basically pretended to ignore him until the very last moment when she gave an awkward, “Oh hey!” In the coffee shop, she waited to order to see if he would buy her drink, which he didn’t. She ordered, and while her drink was being made, she didn’t once turn around to talk to him. For a few minutes, she just stood there… waiting… and Tom? Well, Tom was already feeling awkward and didn’t want to be there so this was probably one of the most awkward moments 3 minutes he had in a really long time. Once they both got their drinks and sat down, she didn’t ask him one question. Tom would ask something and she would give the most vague and briefest answers possible. This went on for awhile and Tom was feeling the pressure. Finally trying to get to the sole purpose of their meeting, Tom asks, “So… You still want to help out with youth group?” “Oh, yeah sure!”, she answers. Obviously, by the tone of her answer, youth group talk was NOT why she wanted to go to coffee with Mr. Tom. Desperate to get out of the situation, Tom did something he hadn’t done in a really long time. He lied and told her he needed to get to another meeting for work. After Tom told me this story, I was still laughing and in disbelief by the sheer awkwardness of that entire meeting and her obvious lack of social skills, especially with males. (If you know who Tom really is, you should ask him for the details… he tells it way better than I did.)

Well, over the next week, I still randomly gave him a hard time about his meeting with Darla and how she just wanted to date him… just to be a little obnoxious. I was thinking the whole thing was over and done and it was just a funny moment that made a good story.

I was wrong. Yesterday, I was on facebook before my class, and I get an IM… from Darla. Now, don’t get me wrong, Darla is super nice, but there is no doubt she’s socially awkward. She writes to me, “Hey”. “Hey”, I reply. I was expecting her to say something like How are you? Or What’s up? But no. It was only a second into the conversation and I already felt uncomfortable. I think this broke the record. So I asked her what she was up to. She just says, “Oh, nothing really.” Awesome… nothing else said after that… another awkward silence… and who knew moments of IM could be awkward… Well, after forcing small talk for a little bit, she asks, “So, do you hang out with people from youth group a lot?” Umm… well, yeah, they are some of my closest friends. After this, there was another long silence from Darla. Then, the greatest question of them all was suddenly asked, “Are you and Tom close?” What!? Pardon?! Excuse me?! Why in the world would you ask me that? Where did this question come from? We don’t even really know each other. Are you always this awkward? Yeah, I mean he is a really good friend of mine. I didn’t say anything else. I was both shocked by her bluntness, her obvious lack of understanding personal boundaries, and her clear interest in Tom. I started laughing to myself, and I knew I had to tell him. I told Tom I had to talk to him about an encounter with Darla, and he called me. I gave him the awkward play-by-play and he was speechless. It was an incredible moment. We were both just blown away by the entire situation and how desperate she seemed to get close to Tom but clearly lacked the social skills needed in order to even hold up a decent conversation with a male… but I guess it made him feel a little bit better to know that she couldn’t even hold up an IM conversation with me.

Joking about it for awhile, we started to come up with a possible Tom and Darla scenario that would occur if we wanted to make a movie or something:

I should have told Darla that Tom and I were an item. Upset and distraught that she was put second to me and determined to have Tom all to herself, Darla starts stalking me… following me around school and outside my apartment. Upset that Tom wasn’t giving her the time of day, she kidnaps me when I was walking out to my car to go to campus. She knocks me out, shoves me in the truck of her car, and then drags me to her basement where she locks me up. So, I am locked in the basement while crazy Darla is out trying to woo Tom. Tom, still uninterested, rejects Darla despite my absence. Darla, still upset, tries drugging Tom’s Gatorade at youth group. Tom luckily doesn’t fall for her tricks and doesn’t drink anymore. Darla gets super upset and starts planning how she is going to kill me so that she could then take my place and have Tom all for herself. Tom finds the blueprints of Darla’s nutty plans and decides to rescue me before Darla could kill me. While out buying rat poison, duct tape, a nail gun, and bleach, Tom makes his way to Darla’s basement, rescues me, and we escape.

We haven’t solidified an ending yet, but knowing Darla, it will be a good one.

I’m sorry if this all seems mean and excessive… I just wish you could experience someone SIGNIFICANTLY more awkward than me… then you might understand. At least she is nice… for the time being… before she locks me up in her basement.

Oh, and Tom and I will let you know when we release our movie screenplay so we can get some good feedback.