It's a Date!

Here’s the deal. My awkwardness is leaking onto my friends.

In this next post, I am going to use pseudonyms to protect the dignity and sanity of the individuals featured in these events.

This following event is both 100% true and 1000% awkward.

So, I have this friend named “Tom”. Tom is a youth pastor and is always looking for new people that want to help out with the youth group on a regular basis. This summer, there was a girl named “Darla”. Darla came to youth group a couple times to help out. Her and I talked, and despite her quiet, shy nature (two things of which I am NOT), she seemed really nice and very normal. Both Tom and I were surprised when she stopped coming to help out after those two weeks. After trying to contact her and see what she was up to, there was no luck of reciprocating contact on Darla’s side so Tom and I kind of just let it go.

Well, about a week and a half to two weeks ago, Darla talked to Tom. Darla asked if her and Tom could “hang out”. A little confused, Tom called me, questioning Darla’s motive for “hanging out”… was this going to be a meeting about youth group stuff or was she looking for a date? Well, after talking to him a little and discussing the details of the conversation/situation, we both found the verdict to be: A DATE. Uninterested and confused, Tom was determined to go to this “meeting” with the intention of ONLY talking about youth group and having Darla come back to help out. I, of course, found this entire situation to be hilarious so naturally, I teased him about it everyday up until their date… oh, ummm, I mean “meeting”.

[[fast forward a few days…]] It was the day. The day of Tom and Darla’s meeting. Tom told me he would tell me about it once he was done. I get a call later in the afternoon and I saw it was Tom. When I answered, all I heard on the other side was, “MOST AWKWARD MEETING EVER!” Laughing hysterically, I tried my best to at least compose myself for a little bit in order to listen to what actually happened. Tom told me how when they arrived at the coffee shop and were walking to the door, she basically pretended to ignore him until the very last moment when she gave an awkward, “Oh hey!” In the coffee shop, she waited to order to see if he would buy her drink, which he didn’t. She ordered, and while her drink was being made, she didn’t once turn around to talk to him. For a few minutes, she just stood there… waiting… and Tom? Well, Tom was already feeling awkward and didn’t want to be there so this was probably one of the most awkward moments 3 minutes he had in a really long time. Once they both got their drinks and sat down, she didn’t ask him one question. Tom would ask something and she would give the most vague and briefest answers possible. This went on for awhile and Tom was feeling the pressure. Finally trying to get to the sole purpose of their meeting, Tom asks, “So… You still want to help out with youth group?” “Oh, yeah sure!”, she answers. Obviously, by the tone of her answer, youth group talk was NOT why she wanted to go to coffee with Mr. Tom. Desperate to get out of the situation, Tom did something he hadn’t done in a really long time. He lied and told her he needed to get to another meeting for work. After Tom told me this story, I was still laughing and in disbelief by the sheer awkwardness of that entire meeting and her obvious lack of social skills, especially with males. (If you know who Tom really is, you should ask him for the details… he tells it way better than I did.)

Well, over the next week, I still randomly gave him a hard time about his meeting with Darla and how she just wanted to date him… just to be a little obnoxious. I was thinking the whole thing was over and done and it was just a funny moment that made a good story.

I was wrong. Yesterday, I was on facebook before my class, and I get an IM… from Darla. Now, don’t get me wrong, Darla is super nice, but there is no doubt she’s socially awkward. She writes to me, “Hey”. “Hey”, I reply. I was expecting her to say something like How are you? Or What’s up? But no. It was only a second into the conversation and I already felt uncomfortable. I think this broke the record. So I asked her what she was up to. She just says, “Oh, nothing really.” Awesome… nothing else said after that… another awkward silence… and who knew moments of IM could be awkward… Well, after forcing small talk for a little bit, she asks, “So, do you hang out with people from youth group a lot?” Umm… well, yeah, they are some of my closest friends. After this, there was another long silence from Darla. Then, the greatest question of them all was suddenly asked, “Are you and Tom close?” What!? Pardon?! Excuse me?! Why in the world would you ask me that? Where did this question come from? We don’t even really know each other. Are you always this awkward? Yeah, I mean he is a really good friend of mine. I didn’t say anything else. I was both shocked by her bluntness, her obvious lack of understanding personal boundaries, and her clear interest in Tom. I started laughing to myself, and I knew I had to tell him. I told Tom I had to talk to him about an encounter with Darla, and he called me. I gave him the awkward play-by-play and he was speechless. It was an incredible moment. We were both just blown away by the entire situation and how desperate she seemed to get close to Tom but clearly lacked the social skills needed in order to even hold up a decent conversation with a male… but I guess it made him feel a little bit better to know that she couldn’t even hold up an IM conversation with me.

Joking about it for awhile, we started to come up with a possible Tom and Darla scenario that would occur if we wanted to make a movie or something:

I should have told Darla that Tom and I were an item. Upset and distraught that she was put second to me and determined to have Tom all to herself, Darla starts stalking me… following me around school and outside my apartment. Upset that Tom wasn’t giving her the time of day, she kidnaps me when I was walking out to my car to go to campus. She knocks me out, shoves me in the truck of her car, and then drags me to her basement where she locks me up. So, I am locked in the basement while crazy Darla is out trying to woo Tom. Tom, still uninterested, rejects Darla despite my absence. Darla, still upset, tries drugging Tom’s Gatorade at youth group. Tom luckily doesn’t fall for her tricks and doesn’t drink anymore. Darla gets super upset and starts planning how she is going to kill me so that she could then take my place and have Tom all for herself. Tom finds the blueprints of Darla’s nutty plans and decides to rescue me before Darla could kill me. While out buying rat poison, duct tape, a nail gun, and bleach, Tom makes his way to Darla’s basement, rescues me, and we escape.

We haven’t solidified an ending yet, but knowing Darla, it will be a good one.

I’m sorry if this all seems mean and excessive… I just wish you could experience someone SIGNIFICANTLY more awkward than me… then you might understand. At least she is nice… for the time being… before she locks me up in her basement.

Oh, and Tom and I will let you know when we release our movie screenplay so we can get some good feedback.

Party in the USA

Unless you are living in a hole, I'm sure you have heard of the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. This song it probably one of the catchiest songs I have heard in a really long time... even though the song is awful and the lyrics are dumb, I seriously can't help but dance when I hear it.

Well, below is a music video some guys made to the song. It's awkward and hilarious... I seriously laughed the entire way through it, no joke. I definitely want to be friends with them... then we could all awkwardly dance and sing to Miley songs and be perfectly content together.

ENJOY.

Children of the Corn

Something you need to know about me: I LOVE FALL. Seriously, I could go on and on about it. But... I won't... right now...

Sunday night, the Stonebridge Christian Church high school youth group I help out with went to Pooley's (Yeah... stupid name) Pumpkin Patch for a fall "kickoff" party. So after the boys played some football at the church, we all headed over to the pumpkin patch for a bonfire, hot chocolate, s'mores, hayrack rides, corn mazes and other exciting fall happenings.

Now I LOVE pumpkin patches. I love carving pumpkins, picking out pumpkins, bonfires and everything else. But, something I am not a huge fan of: corn. Corn fields freak me out. I am always afraid that some little demon child or axe murderer is going to jump out of corn fields and eat me or shop me up into little pieces. I know, I know, COMPLETELY irrational and dumb, but it's just something that is really hard for me to get over. I just have these visions of the Children of the Corn and I get the shivers.

On the hay rack ride, I was looking out behind me and watching to see if there was any movement. Nothing. None. Unless you count the people trying to scare me on purpose. I was relieved. However, even though I didn't have an encounter with any axe murderer, I would be lying if I said I didn't interact with the Children of the Corn...

At our bonfire sight, we were all set up and standing around trying to get warm. Well, right next to our sight was what looked like a big family gathering or a group of Adults, their friends, and all their kids. There were a LOT of kids. And they were all fighting each other with sticks and swords. And, they were dressed up (which made watching them way more entertaining... okay, I promise I am not a creeper that likes little kids like THAT). I could identify most of them: I spied a grandma (she was really mean... and had a cane), A ninja turtle, Yoda from star wars, A cheerleader, spiderman, and batman. However, there were a few kids whose costumes baffled me. I had NO idea what they were and I just found myself curious. Well, instead of just wondering, I decided to go ask one of them. He told me he was Obi-Wan. "Oh nice! I didn't know he used sticks and branches as weapons. Are you a good fighter?" I said as I looked at the big stick in his hand. He just smiled and then hit me. Yep, he whacked me with the branch. Then, before I knew it, I was literally being attacked by half a dozen 6 year olds with plastic weapons and branches. All I wanted was to know what that little boy was for Halloween and I get attacked. Luckily, I eventually scared them away when I started chasing them... Little jerks. I should have actually hit THEM with the branches... which is pretty funny, because then one of the dads came over and said that he was going to. Nice.

So, I was attacked by the Children of the Corn. The evil, dressed up, armed children at Pooley's.

(OH, and I wanted to be a little awkward on purpose, so I looked at the kid dressed up as Spiderman and asked him who he was supposed to be. His reaction? Silence, the worst glare I have ever gotten from a little kid, and he turned and walked away. It was brilliant.)

Date Night and 30 Seconds of Silence

So, this one is from a long time ago, but it HAS to go on here because it is sufficiently awkward.

Last August, I went on a date with this guy... we'll just call him Mike. He was an acquaintance but we had been hanging out a lot in groups, so when he asked me out, I thought, What the heck? Why not? He's a really great guy. So, that next night, Mike comes to pick me up and we walk to a local coffee shop (I really like coffee dates as first dates cause they are super chill, so I thought this was starting off on a good note). So we order our coffee, he pays (point for being a gentleman), but... then he kind of just walked away while we were waiting for our coffee. Like, he just went on the other side of the coffee bar. So, we were both standing and waiting for our coffee, but he was like 10 feet away from me. It was a little weird. Well, after our coffee is all ready to go, went to go sit down outside (at least we sat at the same table...). We talked for about two hours and overall, it was really good conversation. I mean, the only strange thing was that we didn't talk much about ourselves but we talked a lot about other people and just random stories. I mean, that's cool and all, but since we weren't THAT great of friends, shouldn't we have been talking about ourselves so we could get to know one another? Well, maybe that's just me. One of our conversations was about this kids movie we both watched when we were younger. It's called Once Upon A Forest. Really weird cartoon movie about toxic gases wiping out all these forest animals... I know, strange. But anyways, he made some comment about us watching it. I didn't think much about it and just replied with something like, Oh yeah, we should have a big movie night where we just watch all the movies we watched when we were little. That would be hilarious. The 'we' I was referring to meant a big group of people... not just Mike and I. Well, we left the coffee place and walked back to my apartment. Overall, it was a good date and the perfect amount of time. I was ready to go back upstairs and kind of just sit around alone for awhile. I took out my keys, ready to thank Mike for taking me out (and even possibly considering another date)... buttttttttt Mike wasn't done yet....

This is where the REAL awkwardness begins...

Mike, instead of walking me to my door, walked to his car. I looked at him confused and he told me to get in 'cause we were going to Blockbuster. I didn't know what to say, so I made the mistake by getting in the car. He told me on the drive there that he wanted to rent Once Upon A Forest. The frickin' kids movie? You want to watch that now? What about that movie night? Who watches forest creature cartoons on a date? We arrive at blockbuster and he leads the way... and I? I'm trailing behind and trying to evaluate if the situation was real. Well, he went right towards the kids section and was looking earnestly for this stupid movie. I was not, however. I was wandering through the other aisles trying NOT to look for it. Then I thought, wait, maybe I SHOULD go over there and find it so that I can hide it and we don't have to watch it. But, when I start walking over there, Mike is already asking the guy at the computer if they have it or not. Awkwardly I make the suggestion of just going home and finding it later, but then I heard the fatal words of that unholy Blockbuster employee: Yeah, we have it. It's in. SHOOT. They both go digging in the family section. I stand back and watch nervously. LUCKILY, after about 5 minutes of looking, they still couldn't find it. Oh darn, we'll just have to do a rain check, I say. We finally leave Blockbuster. FINALLY. He parks in front of my apartment and I thought he was just going to walk me to my door and say goodbye...

Again, I thought wrong.

All the way back to the door, he is telling me a story. A very long, detailed story. I paused at my door with my keys just waiting for him to finish so I could say goodbye, but he just kept on going. It was at this moment I realized he wanted to come inside. I didn't want to be rude so I let him come in with me. While in my apartment, we sat at my kitchen island just chatting a little bit. He tells me some... very interesting things... like what he wants to name his first daughter... hmmmmm. NOT okay... especially on a first date. After this, we proceeded to sit at the island not even facing each other and not even speaking to each other. We sat there for 30 seconds. Without a WORD or a GLANCE. Longest 30 seconds of my life. Shortly after this (he was in my apartment for about an hour), he left.

First dates are awkward... there was no second date and NO watching of Once Upon a Forest.

The Two Short Tales of Confronting Awkward Males

1. I work at a high-end women's boutique downtown. If males do come in, it's to basically just pay for their spouse's merchandise. Outside the store, since it is downtown and even with getting cold out, there are always people playing their instruments or promoting something. Well, there was a couple outside on the corner with signs saying free hugs. My coworkers and I were joking about how we should go outside and get hugs... but we didn't... anyways... Well on this Friday night, a man walks into the store with his wife. He stops in the doorway as I greet them. His wife immediately walks to the back to look at jewelry and I am left there alone with this guy. He asks me if I saw the people outside giving free hugs. I relied, "Oh yeah! Did you get a hug?" He then told me that he didn't because he really didn't want to get a hug from a "dude" (direct quote... which is really funny to me because this guy was probably in his mid-50's and I always think it's kind of strange when middle-aged people use slang). I said, "Well, there was a girl out there with him, why didn't you get a hug from her?" He thinks about it for a second and then tells me that she's not his type because he didn't like her hair color. THEN this is what he tells me next, "I prefer brunettes... I would have asked for a hug if you were out there..." I don't like old men.

2. Just this afternoon, as I was walking over to 13th Street coffee to use the internet, an older gentleman walks by me and says hello. Being friendly, I say hello back and ask him how his day is. He then stops on the sidewalk and starts ranting on about how he just got off ******* work and he is going to ******* go home, drink a huge beer, smoke a huge blunt, and go to sleep... I literally didn't know what to say. So, I just smiled and walked away.

No Candles? No Rose petals? Ew. NO.

So, in case you haven't read my blog about my life outside the expansive realms of awkwardness, I dropped my phone in a bathtub full of muddy water and it's broken. [[For the entire story, check out: http://catchingupwithbethc.blogspot.com]]

Well, I ordered a new phone last night and UPS told me it would arrive today. I have been running back and forth between school and home all day, but I wrote a note early this morning asking the manager of my apartment building if she would sign for my package and keep an eye out for it. Well, tonight before I was leaving for another class, I ran into the building's maintenance guy, Bob. This is how our conversation went:

Oh, hi Beth.

Hi Bob, how are you?

Oh, the usual. I have been keeping an eye out for your package.

OH! You got my note?

Ha, yep, sure did. Is it UPS or FedEx?

UPS.

Ok, I will make sure to keep my eyes open for it.

That's great, thanks. I will be on campus for the rest of the night, so if it comes, could you just put it on my kitchen table for me?

That's no problem at all. How did you break it?

Oh, I dropped in in a bathtub full of water.

You what? I have never heard a story like that before!

Haha, I know, I'm clumsy. I was cleaning the feet of the little girl I nanny 'cause she was all muddy. It was in my back pocket and it fell out.

Ohhhhh, that's what happened. I thought you were going to tell me a story all about candles and rose petals and romantic stuff....

... Uh... oh, umm... nope. Just kids. Alright, well thanks again for watching our for my phone. Have a good night.

You too, girly!

This situation wouldn't have been awkward if it had been with a friend or a family member. But from my building's maintenance guy, someone I barely know to bring up assumptions of my romance life is just strange. Maybe I shouldn't have given him permission to go in my apartment...

Pictures at MuteMath

If you have never heard of the band MuteMath, do yourself a favor and look them up.  Soak in the goodness of their music.  Well, I first heard about this back about 4 or 5 years ago and this past Thursday, I went to their concert in Des Moines (this would be #3 for me).  Well, of course, awkwardness follows me to Des Moines.  The night was fairly normal overall.  My sister and I had driven the 2 hours AND had dinner and nothing out of the ordinary happened.  It was great.  The opening act, As Tall as Lions, started playing and they were pretty decent.  Well, the normalcy of this Thursday night didn't last much longer.  My sister and I were almost standing right in front so we had an awesome view of the stage.  We both have this theory that bass players are always the creepiest members of a band, and in terms of As Tall As Lions, we were still right.  I took her camera and tried getting a good shot of the lanky bass player when this huge guy in his mid-30's (who also wore sunglasses for most of the concert... weirdo) came right next to me and also started to take pictures of the band.  Well, I took a couple shots and they were funky colored and then I heard someone talking to me.  I looked to my left, and it was this guy.  I didn't understand him, so I asked, "Excuse me?"  He looks at me and says, "Yours are funny colored.  Mine are better." (showed me his pictures)  "Yeah... those are pretty good..." I replied.  "I took a good one of you too..." he says.  He shows me his camera again, and right there, is a picture of my facial profile lit up by the band lights.  EW.  I looked at him and said, "Why did you take a picture of me?" His answer? None. He just shrugged and started taking more of the band.   Why is it that I attract the biggest creepers? Why can't I just draw in men like Leonardo DiCaprio? Well, the rest of the concert, I stood way closer to my sister and avoided all other contact with him. Luckily he ended up moving after the opening act and NOT during MuteMath.

OH, and a special awkward shout out to my sister, Jackie.  We went to the Donut Stop yesterday so I could show her the goodness of late night South O and some old guy asked what kind of perfume she was wearing.  He wanted to buy it for "a lady friend"... She is convinced it only happened cause I was there... well, she's probably right.