Single and Ready to Mingle

I am single. True. But, believe it or not (this is a major nudge to my family), it is not the end of the world. I am okay with being single... OH MY GOSH, I am happy being single?! WHAT? How is that possible?! Well, it is. Get over it.

Unfortunately, I feel like this fact about my personal life is frequently brought to my attention by my loved ones (cough cough family cough). I have come to terms with the fact that I am not dating anyone. I haven't seriously dated someone in a long time. I know the people in my life don't seriously MEAN to bring up my "independence" on numerous occasions, and at this point, it kind of has been a long standing joke rather than a serious nudge for me to find a man and settle down, but just being honest, sometimes it gets obnoxious... and awkward...

So here is the most recent story:

Back in March, my sisters and I got professional photos taken. We were planning on compiling them in some sort of matter and then giving those photos to my parents for their anniversary (this past September). Well, Jackie was kind of in charge of the whole thing and thought it would be cool to make a photo book for them. I completely agreed! We decided to give them the photo book at my art show when the entire family was together. We gave the book to Denny and Gail (insert the swooning over it)... So glad they liked it! But here's the kicker: Yes, we looked good in those photos, TRUTH... but Jackie, being the creator of this photo book online, was given the opportunity to write her own little copyright notice in the book... here is what it read:

"All rights reserved. No part of this book may be copied or reproduced. Why? Because I said so. So don't copy it. Plus, copying it means that you want to stare at the Cavender girls more. Why else would you want to copy it? I mean, sure, they're cute, but isn't that creepy to make a copy of something in order to just stare at pictures of people? If you must copy it, then copy it so you can look at Beth. She's single and ready to mingle. Amanda and Jackie are taken."

Nice. Glad that this will be a part of that book FOREVER. You might as well write "Dog Lady 4Eva" (I hate cats).

Am I being dramatic? Probably. Is this copyright notice awkward... No doubt. Thanks, family.

Fatty McFatFat

Not being down on myself or super self-conscious, but I know I am not the smallest or skinniest person ever. It’s just the fact of life… I have curves. As Jessie Bennie would say, “Beth, you’re just a regular-sized little person”. True.

Well, the other day, I was at Walmart just picking up a couple things. I went to the checkout line, and the guy ringing me up was kind of weird and was just trying to make super friendly conversation. I, trying to be nice, responded to his questions and comments about my purchases. Well, a girl behind me in line started talking about how cold she was. The cashier turned to her and said, “You’re cold?!” She responded, “Yeah, well, I have like no body fat so I get cold really easily.” He turned to me and said, “Well at least she isn’t super bony… I mean, I can’t imagine how cold YOU must be! You’re SUPER bony… Ha, just kidding…”

I think he just called me fat.

Really? Did that just happen? My response was silence… I gave him an evil glare and just grabbed my things and left.

Next time something like that happens, I am knocking all the gum and candy down before I leave. That’ll show 'em.

Rebel with a Cause.

I wish I had more time to blog... but because I have now taken (almost) permanent residence in the art studio so I could work on the pieces for my show (in 25 days... AH), I have not had much time to blog about my life on my other blog or about my awkward moments on this blog... but nonetheless, I have had some very awkward moments since my last post.

So, now I am presenting to you on my small break from art making, TWO awkward moments. Enjoy. This is quite a treat... for both me and hopefully you.

Well, like I said, I have taken ALMOST permanent residence in my art studio, which is on campus in the art building. Well, I spend a TON of time there. I try to get there between 7 am and 9 am most mornings and I try to stay for at least 6 hours. Some days, I am literally there for 12 hours. Well, one Friday night, I was really focused and didn't want to leave. I had been in the studio since 10 am at it was already about 11 pm when I decided I was going to stay for a few more hours. It never occurred to me that this might be a problem... I figured, "Well, you have to have an ID card to even get into this studio, I'm not bothering anyone or being loud, staying till the middle of the night will not be a big deal." 11:50 rolled around and in walked public safety... this is what happened next:

PS: The building closes in ten minutes. You'll need to pack up your things and head out before then.

Me: Um, I am actually a BFA student and I have an art show next month, I am here all alone just working on my project. Would it be okay if I stayed a little bit longer?

PS: No, sorry, you'll have to leave. School policy.

Me: Seriously?

PS: Yep. (turns around and walks out)

On normal circumstances, I would spend a couple more minutes working on my art, clean-up, then leave like a good, compliant girl. I was NOT feeling compliant... and I was very annoyed he disturbed me in the middle of painting and was making me leave. I decided to stay... but how?

I hid. Yep... I turned off the lights in my studio, took my computer into the bathroom right next door, and stayed in there for 20-25 minutes looking up the national geographic pictures of the day and reading PostSecret entries. By the time I walked out of the bathroom, the building was officially closed... I was in the clear!

I went back into my art studio and went back to work... but I obviously forgot about the HUGE windows in the studio (without curtains). At 1:20, I hear the studio door open again... and in walked the same public safety officer that gave me my warning... this is how THAT conversation went:

PS: I told you an hour and a half ago that you needed to leave.

Me: I know, I am really sorry, but I have so much work to do and I am really not bothering anyone.

PS: It's school policy... It's MY job to make sure nothing shady is going on.

Me: Nothing shady is going on. I am just painting by myself... not smoking in the bathrooms, stealing materials, or destroying property. I know there are a lot of other things going on on campus that are way more serious than me being in this studio.

PS: I don't appreciate your tone... do you know I could report you to student integrity for insubordination? Pack up your things NOW.

I rolled my eyes... I know, I know, I shouldn't have... but what happened after this? He physically ESCORTED me OUT of the building, watched me get into my car, and drive off. What a PUNK. The one time I feel I had a legitimate cause to break rules, I get escorted by public safety and threatened with a visit to student integrity... dumb.

Second story? Not as good... BUT awkward nonetheless. I just finished my shopping at Baker's (a grocery store here in Omaha), and after I loaded everything into my car, I looked to my left... at the back corner of the parking lot, I saw a man and a woman loading a grocery cart into their van. Yep... an entire grocery cart. I could not help but watch them. After about 15 seconds or so, they stopped, looked over at me, and I immediately felt awkward (this was a sketchy Baker's...), got into my car, and drove off... right past them... and they STARED me down. I made sure they didn't follow me home. Why would someone want a grocery cart? Hmm...

Sprinklers.

I had a horrible day yesterday... really, just horrendous. That's a completely different story though. But for background sake, I was on campus in the art building from 8am until 10:30 pm. I love art, but this was not my idea of a fun time, but whatever.

Outside the art building, there is this little field/lawn area right next to the street where I parked. Now, there is a sidewalk that goes around the entire field to the street, but it takes you way out of your way. When I normally park on the street, I just cut across the field and walk on the grass. No biggie. A little bit of a shortcut. Well, after last night, I may rethink taking this shortcut...

When I left, like I said before, it was 10:30 pm and super dark out. I walked outside and began walking through the lawn to my car while simultaneously texting. Well, as soon as I was a little less than halfway across the lawn, all the automatic sprinklers in the grass come up and turn on. I am SURROUNDED by sprinklers at this point and just getting soaked. I just ran and tried getting to my car as fast as I could. My bag, all my papers, my clothes, but luckily not my phone, were drenched. Best part of me getting caught in the sprinklers? Public safety rode by on their bikes and just laughed at me.

Wow... first week of school and I am already making a fool of myself. Awesome.

Yet another retail adventure...

As most of you know, especially due to the mass numbers of blogs I have written about my current employer, I work in retail. I have discovered that working in retail is SO much more than just selling clothes and accessories... it means you have to deal with some of the weirdest people on the face of the planet. I have to deal with stupid questions, awkward comments, and embarrassing situations at least three days a week. LUCKY ME. Here are a few of my most recent encounters with some of the shoppers...

1. An older man came in with his two, YOUNG, female escorts and allotted them each $1500 to spend. Together, they spent $700. Now, If I was a female escort and obviously did not care about this man or how I was perceived, I would have spent EVERY LAST PENNY of my $1500 share... but I'm just saying.

2. I helped yet another older couple pick out lingerie. I never know what to do when this happens... I for sure blush, I know that. I just got really awkward because they weren't really using the best language or the most appropriate terms when discussing the lingerie, it's fit, the purpose, etc... you get what I'm trying to say. But without going into too much detail, the husband dropped over $300 on his wife... I am one darn good salesperson.

3. Chubby Little kid: "Ummmm... do, ummm, do you, ummm bathroom, um, have a bathrooooom?!" By the end, he was basically screaming. Sorry to tell you kid, but we don't... and it's not polite to scream at people.

4. A regular shopper, let's call her Leslie, called the other day... and I was the lucky one to answer. She asks for one of our managers who wasn't there... "That's okay, YOU can help me, Ah hahahahahaha!" She starts naming off all these things she is looking for: different items, designers, and companies. "Just set them aside for me! Pick out what you think will look good!" I had no idea what she looked like. "I'm a mom though though... and you know, things kind of shift and sag. Hahahahaha!" Ew. Way too much information. "I also get hot flashes so nothing too heavy, hahaha!" Wow, she laughed a lot... actually it was more like a cackle. After about ten minutes on the phone with her, we finally hung up and I began my search for the mom-like, anti-hot flash clothing in size I have no clue. I picked out about twenty different items and she stopped in about an hour later to try them on. First of all, I guess this woman used to be a model, so in her heels, she was about 6'2''... WAY shorter than me. Good thing I grabbed mediums and larges. The entire time she was trying things on, she would just be laughing all by herself and making beyond random comments. At one point, she came out to ask my opinion on a top, and she looks me dead in the eye and says, "Hey, do you have any drinks in the back? Would you mind running over next door to M's pub and grabbing me a cocktail? You know, long day with the kids, hahahaha!" I had no idea if she was serious or not... I didn't get her one though. She ended up dropping a significant amount of money, but she was one of the craziest and spastic people I have ever met in my entire life... with the craziest cackle.

5. What a mom said to me when I was helping her and her daughter find a homecoming dress: "These are all so cute! How are we supposed to choose? What are you wearing to homecoming?" She was looking straight at me for my response... yep, once again I was mistaken for a teenager... "Oh, I am actually 22." "Oh, I'm sorry! Well, good news is that if you wanted to crash a homecoming, no one would notice!" Strangest compliment I have gotten in a long time.

Winking.

Here's a little fun fact about Beth Cavender:

She feels really awkward when people wink at her. She gets all flustered and tends to blush really bad... especially when boys do it. Don't know why, it just happens. It reminds her of creepy men who have dirty minds.

If you wink at her, she will get awkward.

Why Parents Drink

This is an amazing hilarious, and beyond awkward, email I received from my oldest sister. I normally HATE forwards, but I was really intrigued by the title, "Why Parents Drink". Sounded funny. So I read on.

After reading this, I thought, "OH MY GOSH. HOW BRILLIANT!?" I really wanted to do something similar to my family (mainly my dad or mom) after, but then I realized that my sister sent it to them too. I am plotting for something in the future. Let me know if you have any great ideas for me!

Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home